Insanity...

I haven't been here for a few days...been thinking. My over-analyzing has kicked into overdrive and I couldn't even form the sentences to convey what I was thinking. One of my favorite statements; One definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over day after day and expecting a different outcome...
That's exactly what I have been doing. Walking through life doing nothing differently. It is time for a change and the catalyst for that is the dislike I have about certain aspects of myself and my life. I need to decide exactly where I want to be when 2011 gets here and start working toward that goal. I have some physical changes I want to make (joining the gym-check), some intellectual changes I want to make (signed up at a Concord to finish degree, waiting on classes to be available-check), emotional changes (I thought this would be taken care of with the profile on the personals but, alas, not- so I started this blog instead where I can explore my thoughts-check). Now that I have all this in place it's time to get moving on it. It's time to buckle down and get serious. I am not usually one for procrastination and I am not quite sure why I haven't progressed further than I have, but it's time. I have this "about to burst or throw up" feeling that I have been dealing with for about a month now. I can feel something inside that just needs to dealt with and I am hoping that some physical activity will help-hence the gym membership. It couldn't hurt. It's time to love myself, warts and all. It's time to take care of myself. A friend has said that if I don't worry about myself and my own survival, no one else will. While I don't know how far I will take that philosophy I am going to start asking myself what I would like to do instead of always deferring to others. We'll see how that goes. It's a departure from my normal attitude so it's going to be difficult to reprogram. I am exploring the possibility that the reason I defer so often is because I don't believe I am worthy of getting what I want. Low self-esteem. Yep, had it all my life. So...that is why I am going to try "getting my way" for awhile. Hopefully I won't get all obnoxious with it. I'm sure my friends will keep me in check. I have faith in them. I will chart my progress for the next few weeks and see where this new train of thought takes me...