Heart's desire...

I really am trying to get handle on some thoughts. I feel the need to be a part of a pair, like Noah's animals, but I don't have a "Noah" to help me find a mate. I am getting very discouraged by the personals...and when I explore the situation, I can kind of see why God hasn't supplied him yet. I don't think I'm ready. I made a lot of mistakes in my first marriage. Not the usual ones that people make, mine were deadlier. I was an enabler, whether by outright giving or just maintaining silence, I enabled my husband to stay in an addiction rather than forcing the issue of recovery. I wanted him to make the decision that our marriage was more important than the drugs on his own, so I didn't get tough and try to take that decision away from him and force the issue. I can't help but think that there was something that could have been done if I had but tried harder. However, I realize that he was an adult and capable of excercising his free will in whatever manner he chose. Sometimes free will sucks. No. most times free will sucks. Anyway, I am not so sure that I am emotionally ready to take on another spouse. There is so much still inside of me that distrusts people that I am not sure I would be able to allow someone to get that close. I want it so bad but am scared of it at the same time. I miss holding hands, kissing, snuggling....human contact. But, that's how God made us. He made us to be social. I just need to find a way to start trusting again and show God that He can trust me with another chance at marriage. Hopefully, when He's through with this pruning/teaching session, I will have gained His trust enough to get my heart's desire. I want who God wants for me. I really do. I married Joey without any input from God. This time I want a partnership arranged, approved and blessed by God. I pray that I don't get so overwhelmed by lonliness that I step in the way of that. I struggle most days with wanting to take matters into my own hands but I manage to beat the urge down...barely. I don't know why this feeling is so intense. I have prayed that it would go away but that prayer has not been answered. I keep hoping that the reason the desire is not going away is because Gods answer is not "no" but, that His answer is "not right now", therefore the desire remains. Only He knows. My very bestest friend asked me one time what my heart's desire was and I told her...to be in love and to be loved. Sappy when you read it, but oh so true. Going through what I have been through has given me a perspective on life that has nothing to do with material things. Money and possessions are merely a tool to be used to help the people in my life that I love. Love is the most important thing. Being there for your family and friends...that's what is really important. And I just want someone that is MINE. Mine to love and care for with all my heart.