Day three....

Trait number two...insecurities. Wow, I am full of them. My past, while it should just be the past and not used as an excuse for the present, has formed certain idiosyncrasies in me. I have a susceptibility to fear. I fear a lot. Being misunderstood. Being alone. Not being liked. I speak and then I spend hours analyzing what I said and how it might be interpreted and whether or not it will "cost" me. I feel that being alone is a punishment. Growing up with an alcoholic father and spending time alone in my room to stay away from the abuse sort of scarred me. Alone was never because I wanted to be alone but rather because I had to hide. Hide, be quiet, be good. Don't be any trouble. That's what I remember as a child. And it has bled over into adulthood. To this day I don't like to create any waves or bring attention to myself. It takes me a while to let myself go with someone and actually joke and laugh, be loud. Some people are put off by my lack of participation but before I can participate I have to feel safe. I haven't felt safe a lot either. You never knew when the explosions were going to happen. When the "love" was going to turn ugly. When I met Joey I finally felt safe. And loved. Really loved. The kind where you know that the other person will go out of their way, and even do without just to show you how much you mean to them. That's how I felt toward him and in the beginning that is what he gave me. Then the drugs came into the picture. And I felt alone again. The drugs took the place of the love. I was no longer the love of his life. And I didn't feel safe anymore. I never know what he was going to do or who might be in my house. Some people need money or fame. All I need is security. Just the knowledge that I am loved...man, wouldn't that be great. I have started taking steps to not be alone anymore but they aren't really working out to well. Maybe Joey was the only love I was supposed to have and satan was allowed to lure him away from me. I need to learn how to be alone and be happy. God has told me through His word that He will be the Husband to the widow. Perhaps I just need to accept His offer. He has also promised that I will be safe with Him, that nothing can take His love away from me, that I can trust Him, rely on Him. Lord, help me to accept that offer. Help me to understand that the only love I can trust to never go sour on me is the love that You offer me. Help me to not feel so insecure. To not put so much importance on others words or actions. Help me to just be me and put the people in my life that can accept me and love me just the way I am.