Indecisive...

Yep-that's me. I seem to be all over the board trying to decide what the flaws are. I have re-read my posts and I go from sounding like I know myself and am making progress to a sniveling brat blaming everything on her past to a selfish so and so who is going to get her own way, hang the consequences. I say that I am going to keep the accommodating tendency and then blow that out of the water by saying I am NOT deferring to anyone. Whew. This looking at myself is driving me a bit nuts. I didn't think it was going to be quite this hard when I started. I am trying to stay balanced but the thoughts keep flying by so fast and I just seem to be reaching out and grabbing whatever is going by and trying it. Do I want the pressure of trying to get my own way...no. Do I want to grow up to be an adult one day...well it is about time. Trying to decide how to improve is not as easy as one may think. I lack the confidence to make a decision and I am not sure how to get that confidence. It's one thing to realize that you lack something like confidence or self-esteem but it is another, more difficult thing, to figure out how to get them. I want so badly to make a change but am still not sure what direction to take. I have a bad habit of wanting instant gratification. If I am going to do something I am going to do it RIGHT NOW! And I want results RIGHT NOW! And if it doesn't work RIGHT NOW then I want to move onto the next idea. I am not sure where this frantic impatience is coming from...like if I don't get it right soon something bad will happen. Can't seem to calm it down to a nice low roar. I am normally a patient low-key person so this, too, is new to me. A friend told me I was either brave or nuts to try this and I am starting to think that nuts is the answer. At least there is some truth in each of my posts. It would be really sad if I was lying to myself. I have become more outspoken in the last year. I would never have even tried to do something like this before. I am less of a people pleaser, which just goes to show how pitiful I was before. I do want the wall to stay down. If I can accomplish that one feat through this then I will feel like a success. The wall is really a very bad thing. It stifles you, keeps you down, keeps you lonely. I don't want that ever again. So I will attempt to keep this up and the wall down and hopefully not drive my friends and family screaming for the door...