Day four....

Well, I missed a day. Actually, it's a good thing I did. My next trait that I feel needs to be addressed is perfectionism and if I was achieving "perfect" I would not have missed a day. Ironic, huh! I always want to be the "perfect _______"(fill in the blank). Daughter, wife, friend, Christian....whatever it is that I am trying to be at the moment, I want to be perfect at it. I never want to misstep or misspeak or do anything not "perfect". I realize that is not a reachable goal and probably not even an admirable one. It puts a lot of pressure on me and probably comes off as shallow to others. I need to be able to let go and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes, in needing to be perfect, I don't share what is really happening inside. I let things be buried under the smile and the "I'm fine" when asked how I am doing. I want people to think nothing but wonderful thoughts about me. It goes back to not being any "trouble". That is wrong when you are trying to establish a real friendship with people. And it helps keep those walls up. I struggle every day with keeping the wall down. The hurt is just more intense now. When you have never been hurt and it happens, ouch. But when you have been hurt over and over before and put up defenses, then are talked into letting the defenses down...and you open up and someone hurts you, wow...it's more than ouch! When you know that the pain will go away if you just get behind the wall it's pretty darn hard not to run for it. The perfect person doesn't need a wall. The perfect person never does anything that causes someone to hurt her. And expecting not to be hurt is asking others to be perfect... not very nice of me, I know. Totally out of whack expectations...gonna work on that! But that's fodder for another day... Anyway, I know that I will not be perfect until I get to heaven. And I know that God will use my imperfections if I just let Him. Lord, help me not to hide from others. Help me to be who I am, an imperfect child of God, and then use what I am for Your Glory.