Dating...

I had my first date in over sixteen years this weekend. Now calling it a date is using the term loosely. In my "fear" of the unknown I insisted on traveling separately to the date...didn't want him to know where I lived just in case. And, if things went south I had my vehicle and could make a quick getaway. We met at the local Cracker Barrel (the Church of God gathering hole). He was a nice enough man...sort of like going out with my uncle though. Just not anything in common. I think my arrested development in the emotional side of life (I've said on numerous occasions that I am emotionally retarded) makes me more attracted to younger fellas. He spent the evening (at my urging) telling me about his misspent youth. I laughed a lot. He was kind of a wild child when it came to cars and racing. I always find the stories that people tell interesting so I am not saying the night was a bust. As I said, he was a nice man.

Then, while visiting my bestest friend. I have two young men vying for my attention. Now that was a boost. Even though I could have birthed either one of them. Vanity has no age limits!!!

And then I got home a discovered a message on the personals from someone I had done an "icebreak" to a long time ago. He wanted to chat and get to know each other.

This milestone has calmed me. I have been writing about my insecurities and the desire to have a mate. And not that anything that happened has caused the "mate" thing to be rectified but my insecurities have been lessened. Satan had been whispering in my ear for a while now that there was nothing about me that was attractive to the opposite sex and I had gobbled up every word he said. I didn't have a problem believing him because I already believed it myself. It's all part of that not understanding why people would want to be my friend and the self-worth thing. Anyway, things happened this weekend that gave me some relief from that. I know it's crazy to have to get validation from outside sources...call me crazy. I do not know how else to gain self confidence or self esteem without positive reinforcement from outside sources. It sure isn't coming from inside me. I haven't evolved that far. Maybe one day.

I thank God that he gave me this weekend. He knows my Gideon tendencies and was kind enough to pander to them. Praise you Lord!!! Thanks for loving your wayward child.