Totally free....

I got the best news today that I have had in a year. My dearest friend has reached a new point in her situation that will give her more freedom than she has had in a year. I pray the freedom is not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I pray that I can continue to be there for her as she transitions into this new stage in her life. She is one reason why I want to be a well, whole person. Why I want to be OK within myself so that I can be the kind of friend she needs.

I heard something this morning and I am using it as my new mantra for 2010. It sums up what I have been trying to say and do this year.

"If there's anything I want to be completely and totally free from in my life, it's having to prove anything to anybody. I just want to be who I am and like who I am and not have to try to impress you or prove to you that I'm OK."

God, I can't even imagine what that would be like. Lord, please give me the strength of character and the peace of mind to accomplish this. Please help me keep the fear at bay long enough to accomplish this. It's going to be hard to turn off the mechanism for survival that I have used for so long. I have friends who tell me all the time to not worry what other people think about me or what I do, but I just can't seem to reach that goal. I fight daily the desire to back away, hide, put the wall back up. I have spent a lot of time and energy in the last year striving to keep that wall down. Scary stuff, Letting other people have the chance to hurt me, trusting them not to...scary. My need to be whoever you want me to be is driven by what people will think or feel about me, and the fear of rejection. I want so much to do exactly what the author of the quote said...live a life where I know who I am and like that person, but I don't even know who I am right now. I've lived so long trying to reinvent myself to fit the given situation that I'm still trying to find me in the mess. I guess that's the first step and hopefully this blog will help me find out. I do know that I am honestly striving to be OK. I want to like myself and feel OK about myself. That will be a new thing. So, no more trying to impress anyone...no more trying to prove that I am worth knowing and liking, even to myself. Hope I can do this. I think I have made some headway...I pray for more. I pray for a healing.