Heart's desire...

I really am trying to get handle on some thoughts. I feel the need to be a part of a pair, like Noah's animals, but I don't have a "Noah" to help me find a mate. I am getting very discouraged by the personals...and when I explore the situation, I can kind of see why God hasn't supplied him yet. I don't think I'm ready. I made a lot of mistakes in my first marriage. Not the usual ones that people make, mine were deadlier. I was an enabler, whether by outright giving or just maintaining silence, I enabled my husband to stay in an addiction rather than forcing the issue of recovery. I wanted him to make the decision that our marriage was more important than the drugs on his own, so I didn't get tough and try to take that decision away from him and force the issue. I can't help but think that there was something that could have been done if I had but tried harder. However, I realize that he was an adult and capable of excercising his free will in whatever manner he chose. Sometimes free will sucks. No. most times free will sucks. Anyway, I am not so sure that I am emotionally ready to take on another spouse. There is so much still inside of me that distrusts people that I am not sure I would be able to allow someone to get that close. I want it so bad but am scared of it at the same time. I miss holding hands, kissing, snuggling....human contact. But, that's how God made us. He made us to be social. I just need to find a way to start trusting again and show God that He can trust me with another chance at marriage. Hopefully, when He's through with this pruning/teaching session, I will have gained His trust enough to get my heart's desire. I want who God wants for me. I really do. I married Joey without any input from God. This time I want a partnership arranged, approved and blessed by God. I pray that I don't get so overwhelmed by lonliness that I step in the way of that. I struggle most days with wanting to take matters into my own hands but I manage to beat the urge down...barely. I don't know why this feeling is so intense. I have prayed that it would go away but that prayer has not been answered. I keep hoping that the reason the desire is not going away is because Gods answer is not "no" but, that His answer is "not right now", therefore the desire remains. Only He knows. My very bestest friend asked me one time what my heart's desire was and I told her...to be in love and to be loved. Sappy when you read it, but oh so true. Going through what I have been through has given me a perspective on life that has nothing to do with material things. Money and possessions are merely a tool to be used to help the people in my life that I love. Love is the most important thing. Being there for your family and friends...that's what is really important. And I just want someone that is MINE. Mine to love and care for with all my heart.

Day whatever....

I have such wonderful friends. I have this nasty little habit of thinking just a bit too much on just about any subject you can think of. I try really hard to keep it all contained but on occasion I just can't help it. It overflows into a full-out conversation, that in the middle of I regret even starting, but I have, so I need to finish it. Whew!!! And that is why I say I have wonderful friends. Cause they manage to hang on for the ride through my mind and still call me friend. I can't seem to keep the thoughts at bay. I really try, but they come anyway. I don't know why I think so much...it really is a pain. Part of me would like to be able to just make a decision and once having made it not think about the situation anymore. But that doesn't work with me. One day I will figure out how to do it! I will conquer!

Patience.....

I really need to work on this patience thing. I really thought I had it licked. When Joey was going through the nightmare of addiction I made the mistake of praying for patience. As soon as I did that, the evil one decided to throw everything he could find at me. It was like I showed him the secret weakness I had that he could poke and pry at. Anyway, I thought that going through all that had showed me that worrying, crying, screaming, just generally going nuts and feeling anxious did not change what was going to happen and I just might as well sit back and try to, if not enjoy the ride, at least survive it. I guess it's like any other skill, if you don't use it-you lose it. I need to rediscover that ability. I am not giving myself time to see if one thing is going to work out before I'm veering off that path onto another one. Take a deep breath, Teri. Life is probably not going to end tomorrow...
Lord, help me to slow down and breath in your Spirit. You have no part in anxiety and I don't want to either. Now that I have said that, help me to take it to heart. Not just lip service. I do a lot of lip service. I can talk a good sermon but actually putting it to practice...now, that's another story. I know I am too hard on myself. That's another thing I am trying to work on. So much work...I didn't realize before I started this that I was so messed up. Anyway, I am versed in the Word enough to know the answers, it's the application process that I need to work on. And I also know that I will not achieve the fullness of that until I am in heaven. His Word tells me that...He will not be finished with His good work in me until I am before Him. I just need to slow down. Maybe it would help if I try to list all the good traits...build myself up instead of tearing myself apart. I might try that for the next few posts...

Indecisive...

Yep-that's me. I seem to be all over the board trying to decide what the flaws are. I have re-read my posts and I go from sounding like I know myself and am making progress to a sniveling brat blaming everything on her past to a selfish so and so who is going to get her own way, hang the consequences. I say that I am going to keep the accommodating tendency and then blow that out of the water by saying I am NOT deferring to anyone. Whew. This looking at myself is driving me a bit nuts. I didn't think it was going to be quite this hard when I started. I am trying to stay balanced but the thoughts keep flying by so fast and I just seem to be reaching out and grabbing whatever is going by and trying it. Do I want the pressure of trying to get my own way...no. Do I want to grow up to be an adult one day...well it is about time. Trying to decide how to improve is not as easy as one may think. I lack the confidence to make a decision and I am not sure how to get that confidence. It's one thing to realize that you lack something like confidence or self-esteem but it is another, more difficult thing, to figure out how to get them. I want so badly to make a change but am still not sure what direction to take. I have a bad habit of wanting instant gratification. If I am going to do something I am going to do it RIGHT NOW! And I want results RIGHT NOW! And if it doesn't work RIGHT NOW then I want to move onto the next idea. I am not sure where this frantic impatience is coming from...like if I don't get it right soon something bad will happen. Can't seem to calm it down to a nice low roar. I am normally a patient low-key person so this, too, is new to me. A friend told me I was either brave or nuts to try this and I am starting to think that nuts is the answer. At least there is some truth in each of my posts. It would be really sad if I was lying to myself. I have become more outspoken in the last year. I would never have even tried to do something like this before. I am less of a people pleaser, which just goes to show how pitiful I was before. I do want the wall to stay down. If I can accomplish that one feat through this then I will feel like a success. The wall is really a very bad thing. It stifles you, keeps you down, keeps you lonely. I don't want that ever again. So I will attempt to keep this up and the wall down and hopefully not drive my friends and family screaming for the door...

Insanity...

I haven't been here for a few days...been thinking. My over-analyzing has kicked into overdrive and I couldn't even form the sentences to convey what I was thinking. One of my favorite statements; One definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over day after day and expecting a different outcome...
That's exactly what I have been doing. Walking through life doing nothing differently. It is time for a change and the catalyst for that is the dislike I have about certain aspects of myself and my life. I need to decide exactly where I want to be when 2011 gets here and start working toward that goal. I have some physical changes I want to make (joining the gym-check), some intellectual changes I want to make (signed up at a Concord to finish degree, waiting on classes to be available-check), emotional changes (I thought this would be taken care of with the profile on the personals but, alas, not- so I started this blog instead where I can explore my thoughts-check). Now that I have all this in place it's time to get moving on it. It's time to buckle down and get serious. I am not usually one for procrastination and I am not quite sure why I haven't progressed further than I have, but it's time. I have this "about to burst or throw up" feeling that I have been dealing with for about a month now. I can feel something inside that just needs to dealt with and I am hoping that some physical activity will help-hence the gym membership. It couldn't hurt. It's time to love myself, warts and all. It's time to take care of myself. A friend has said that if I don't worry about myself and my own survival, no one else will. While I don't know how far I will take that philosophy I am going to start asking myself what I would like to do instead of always deferring to others. We'll see how that goes. It's a departure from my normal attitude so it's going to be difficult to reprogram. I am exploring the possibility that the reason I defer so often is because I don't believe I am worthy of getting what I want. Low self-esteem. Yep, had it all my life. So...that is why I am going to try "getting my way" for awhile. Hopefully I won't get all obnoxious with it. I'm sure my friends will keep me in check. I have faith in them. I will chart my progress for the next few weeks and see where this new train of thought takes me...

Day four....

Well, I missed a day. Actually, it's a good thing I did. My next trait that I feel needs to be addressed is perfectionism and if I was achieving "perfect" I would not have missed a day. Ironic, huh! I always want to be the "perfect _______"(fill in the blank). Daughter, wife, friend, Christian....whatever it is that I am trying to be at the moment, I want to be perfect at it. I never want to misstep or misspeak or do anything not "perfect". I realize that is not a reachable goal and probably not even an admirable one. It puts a lot of pressure on me and probably comes off as shallow to others. I need to be able to let go and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes, in needing to be perfect, I don't share what is really happening inside. I let things be buried under the smile and the "I'm fine" when asked how I am doing. I want people to think nothing but wonderful thoughts about me. It goes back to not being any "trouble". That is wrong when you are trying to establish a real friendship with people. And it helps keep those walls up. I struggle every day with keeping the wall down. The hurt is just more intense now. When you have never been hurt and it happens, ouch. But when you have been hurt over and over before and put up defenses, then are talked into letting the defenses down...and you open up and someone hurts you, wow...it's more than ouch! When you know that the pain will go away if you just get behind the wall it's pretty darn hard not to run for it. The perfect person doesn't need a wall. The perfect person never does anything that causes someone to hurt her. And expecting not to be hurt is asking others to be perfect... not very nice of me, I know. Totally out of whack expectations...gonna work on that! But that's fodder for another day... Anyway, I know that I will not be perfect until I get to heaven. And I know that God will use my imperfections if I just let Him. Lord, help me not to hide from others. Help me to be who I am, an imperfect child of God, and then use what I am for Your Glory.

Day three....

Trait number two...insecurities. Wow, I am full of them. My past, while it should just be the past and not used as an excuse for the present, has formed certain idiosyncrasies in me. I have a susceptibility to fear. I fear a lot. Being misunderstood. Being alone. Not being liked. I speak and then I spend hours analyzing what I said and how it might be interpreted and whether or not it will "cost" me. I feel that being alone is a punishment. Growing up with an alcoholic father and spending time alone in my room to stay away from the abuse sort of scarred me. Alone was never because I wanted to be alone but rather because I had to hide. Hide, be quiet, be good. Don't be any trouble. That's what I remember as a child. And it has bled over into adulthood. To this day I don't like to create any waves or bring attention to myself. It takes me a while to let myself go with someone and actually joke and laugh, be loud. Some people are put off by my lack of participation but before I can participate I have to feel safe. I haven't felt safe a lot either. You never knew when the explosions were going to happen. When the "love" was going to turn ugly. When I met Joey I finally felt safe. And loved. Really loved. The kind where you know that the other person will go out of their way, and even do without just to show you how much you mean to them. That's how I felt toward him and in the beginning that is what he gave me. Then the drugs came into the picture. And I felt alone again. The drugs took the place of the love. I was no longer the love of his life. And I didn't feel safe anymore. I never know what he was going to do or who might be in my house. Some people need money or fame. All I need is security. Just the knowledge that I am loved...man, wouldn't that be great. I have started taking steps to not be alone anymore but they aren't really working out to well. Maybe Joey was the only love I was supposed to have and satan was allowed to lure him away from me. I need to learn how to be alone and be happy. God has told me through His word that He will be the Husband to the widow. Perhaps I just need to accept His offer. He has also promised that I will be safe with Him, that nothing can take His love away from me, that I can trust Him, rely on Him. Lord, help me to accept that offer. Help me to understand that the only love I can trust to never go sour on me is the love that You offer me. Help me to not feel so insecure. To not put so much importance on others words or actions. Help me to just be me and put the people in my life that can accept me and love me just the way I am.

Day two....more thoughts

Never can just leave something. I tend to over-analyze. That's me. And the people who know me, well...they make jokes about it but they tolerate me. Thank you friends. Don't know where I would be without you. Everyone must be able to laugh at themselves. If you can't laugh at yourself you can't accept yourself. There comes a time when you just have to understand that it "all don't amount to a hill of beans" as my Grandma would say. In the "grand" scheme of things...this is wee. I love the word wee. It says so much more than small. Anyway, back to why I am back on here for the second time today when my goal was one post a day. Yeah, like that was gonna happen. (See aforementioned comment on over-analyzing.) Anyway...the accommodating thing...well, I've decided that I like it and am gonna keep it. So what if I like to defer to my friends. What harm is there? Now, that is not to say that I am not going to work up some assertiveness....I need that. For myself to grow up big and strong. And that is how I feel. After five years of walls surrounding me keeping me from feeling and doing and knowing...I feel like I am finally growing up. Emotionally retarded is what I told one friend. (And she still loves me.) So here's to some growing pains. And some more analyzing of traits...

Day two

Awesome choir practice tonight. God spoke several times...at least once to my heart. I know somewhere within that if I could just "let go and let God" as they say I would be a far happier person. And He said tonight that just looking to Him and serving Him will bring you joy. I hear that and I know it is true because He said it. My problem is that I'm not sure what He means by joy. I know that I should just be happy that I am saved and on my way to heaven when the time comes and I am. I praise Him every day that He loves me enough to grant me the grace and mercy that I need. But I want to be happy here. And is that a prideful, selfish thing to ask? Is it too much to ask? I don't really know. I hear teacher/preacher after teacher/preacher say that God intends for us to be happy here on earth as well as when we get to heaven...but how does that come about? A point to ponder on....maybe there will be an answer one day as I work through the issues that I see in me.

Personality trait number one that I need to analyze...accommodating. This is an ongoing joke with some friends of mine. It's funny...maybe...depends on why it's there. It has some pros and cons attached to it. Pro-easy to get along with = popular. People like to be around people who are agreeable because we all believe that what we want and our opinions are of course the correct ones. Am I being agreeable just to keep in the good graces of people so they will like me? I hope not. I know that I am willing to just go along for the ride to be accepted. Pretty sad. Pretty pitiful. Wanting so badly to be included that you are willing to give up something of yourself. Oh, wait a minute....isn't that what friends do? Don't friends do some give and take? Or am I just rationalizing my behavior? Hmmmm.... However, the cons are that people get tired of making your mind up for you. Bummer. Most of the time it is easier for someone else to make up my mind. I sure don't know what to do with it. People think you are just being wishy-washy or something because you don't have an opinion. Maybe so... How to change that? I don't know...further thought will have to be given to that.

Day one

So...day one...where to start. This year has been a momentous one. I have finally let the wall down that was erected by the death of my spouse. This year marked the five year anniversary. I must say it has been an interesting year. Much has been done in the changing of my way of dealing with life. Where I was once a repressed people-pleaser and I am now a more outspoken and honest person than I have ever been. One friend has commented that I am a whole lot easier to be around so I guess it has been somewhat of a success. And on the subject of friends....I don't know how I would have got through this year of truth and honesty without them. They have given me the confidence to make a change, such as it has been. And I am ready to forage on in the world of change...I think. This will be another telling endeavor as to whether I have the gumption to actually look inside myself and see the ugly that is hanging out there. As I said, this is where I will try to clear my head and see my progress...you have to have a sounding board somewhere and I have chosen here. We'll see what happens.