Dating...

I had my first date in over sixteen years this weekend. Now calling it a date is using the term loosely. In my "fear" of the unknown I insisted on traveling separately to the date...didn't want him to know where I lived just in case. And, if things went south I had my vehicle and could make a quick getaway. We met at the local Cracker Barrel (the Church of God gathering hole). He was a nice enough man...sort of like going out with my uncle though. Just not anything in common. I think my arrested development in the emotional side of life (I've said on numerous occasions that I am emotionally retarded) makes me more attracted to younger fellas. He spent the evening (at my urging) telling me about his misspent youth. I laughed a lot. He was kind of a wild child when it came to cars and racing. I always find the stories that people tell interesting so I am not saying the night was a bust. As I said, he was a nice man.

Then, while visiting my bestest friend. I have two young men vying for my attention. Now that was a boost. Even though I could have birthed either one of them. Vanity has no age limits!!!

And then I got home a discovered a message on the personals from someone I had done an "icebreak" to a long time ago. He wanted to chat and get to know each other.

This milestone has calmed me. I have been writing about my insecurities and the desire to have a mate. And not that anything that happened has caused the "mate" thing to be rectified but my insecurities have been lessened. Satan had been whispering in my ear for a while now that there was nothing about me that was attractive to the opposite sex and I had gobbled up every word he said. I didn't have a problem believing him because I already believed it myself. It's all part of that not understanding why people would want to be my friend and the self-worth thing. Anyway, things happened this weekend that gave me some relief from that. I know it's crazy to have to get validation from outside sources...call me crazy. I do not know how else to gain self confidence or self esteem without positive reinforcement from outside sources. It sure isn't coming from inside me. I haven't evolved that far. Maybe one day.

I thank God that he gave me this weekend. He knows my Gideon tendencies and was kind enough to pander to them. Praise you Lord!!! Thanks for loving your wayward child.

Love...

I thank God for every day. This is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. I thank Him for the grace and mercy that He gives me even though I do not give Him enough of my time. I have been slighting Him a lot lately. It's hard to believe that He loves me anyway. I know how I am when I feel ignored by people. It hurts! But He forgives and stands with arms wide open to accept whatever scrap I give back. How can He love me like that? I am a very poor friend to Him. I get so involved in my own issues that I forget that if I would just give my cares and concerns to Him, He would take care of it all. I have been complaining about my fears and insecurities and He is whispering to me that if I would just surrender them to Him I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. Lord, please help me to do that. Help me get past myself and focused on You. Break my heart with what breaks Your heart. Change me into what you want me to be. I've been worrying about being what other people want me to be my whole life and now I need to give myself to you and be what You want me to be. When I accepted You into my life the old man was put away. Well, I don't think I gave up the old man completely and I want to do that. I want to surrender it all to you Lord. Help me, please. I want to surrender to the only perfect love that exists. The only love that will never cause me pain.

Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and My God. Psalm 42:5

Don't feed the fear

I am not posting another word about fear. I am, as of this moment, not giving fear the time of day. If you dwell on something you give it power...

I have been having a lot of fun lately doing something I would never have thought I would be doing. Listening to a friend do a comic book podcast. Now, let me just say, that a comic book to me was Archie and Jughead (which my friend does not even consider to be a comic book worthy of mentioning) or maybe a Mad Magazine. I had not idea what was out there in comic book world. And a podcast? I didn't even know what a podcast was much less how you made one. I hadn't even listened to one before this adventure. And...if you had told me that I would enjoy just sitting in the background listening to two guys talk about comic books I would have just laughed at you. But I really enjoy the experience. It is really interesting to hear the play between a comic book aficionado and a newcomer but even more fun to hear two brothers go back and forth.

A lot of the enjoyment comes from being included...being behind the curtain. Being in on the birth of something is quite exciting. As Hannibal would say "I love it when a plan comes together". It's exciting to see someone acutalize a dream. It gives me hope. Dreams are such an important part of life. If you don't have a dream, a wish, a hope then how in the world do you get up in the morning. And if one of your dreams can be realized...Woo-Hoo. So, heres to dreaming. And hoping. And wishing. And dreams coming true.

New freedom

I feel that I have made some progress lately. Of course, it is about time.

Anyway, I have managed to beat down the fear to run away and hide and actually trust some people in the last two weeks. I have made decisions and stuck with them, I have stated my opinion and managed to not apologize for it, I have "assumed" that I am welcome and wanted in some social situations and all without too many problems. Not that it was easy. The old "burst or throw up" feeling has been present the whole time. I will know that I am truly successful when that feeling doesn't show up. But, I managed to do it all afraid. Joyce Meyer is big on the "do it afraid" thing. Ever since I heard her use that saying I have been trying to get up the nerve to do it....and I did...yah!!! Now I just need to keep it up.

This post has been recently edited and two follow up ones deleted...on purpose...not giving fear the satisfaction.

Totally free....

I got the best news today that I have had in a year. My dearest friend has reached a new point in her situation that will give her more freedom than she has had in a year. I pray the freedom is not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I pray that I can continue to be there for her as she transitions into this new stage in her life. She is one reason why I want to be a well, whole person. Why I want to be OK within myself so that I can be the kind of friend she needs.

I heard something this morning and I am using it as my new mantra for 2010. It sums up what I have been trying to say and do this year.

"If there's anything I want to be completely and totally free from in my life, it's having to prove anything to anybody. I just want to be who I am and like who I am and not have to try to impress you or prove to you that I'm OK."

God, I can't even imagine what that would be like. Lord, please give me the strength of character and the peace of mind to accomplish this. Please help me keep the fear at bay long enough to accomplish this. It's going to be hard to turn off the mechanism for survival that I have used for so long. I have friends who tell me all the time to not worry what other people think about me or what I do, but I just can't seem to reach that goal. I fight daily the desire to back away, hide, put the wall back up. I have spent a lot of time and energy in the last year striving to keep that wall down. Scary stuff, Letting other people have the chance to hurt me, trusting them not to...scary. My need to be whoever you want me to be is driven by what people will think or feel about me, and the fear of rejection. I want so much to do exactly what the author of the quote said...live a life where I know who I am and like that person, but I don't even know who I am right now. I've lived so long trying to reinvent myself to fit the given situation that I'm still trying to find me in the mess. I guess that's the first step and hopefully this blog will help me find out. I do know that I am honestly striving to be OK. I want to like myself and feel OK about myself. That will be a new thing. So, no more trying to impress anyone...no more trying to prove that I am worth knowing and liking, even to myself. Hope I can do this. I think I have made some headway...I pray for more. I pray for a healing.

Heart's desire...

I really am trying to get handle on some thoughts. I feel the need to be a part of a pair, like Noah's animals, but I don't have a "Noah" to help me find a mate. I am getting very discouraged by the personals...and when I explore the situation, I can kind of see why God hasn't supplied him yet. I don't think I'm ready. I made a lot of mistakes in my first marriage. Not the usual ones that people make, mine were deadlier. I was an enabler, whether by outright giving or just maintaining silence, I enabled my husband to stay in an addiction rather than forcing the issue of recovery. I wanted him to make the decision that our marriage was more important than the drugs on his own, so I didn't get tough and try to take that decision away from him and force the issue. I can't help but think that there was something that could have been done if I had but tried harder. However, I realize that he was an adult and capable of excercising his free will in whatever manner he chose. Sometimes free will sucks. No. most times free will sucks. Anyway, I am not so sure that I am emotionally ready to take on another spouse. There is so much still inside of me that distrusts people that I am not sure I would be able to allow someone to get that close. I want it so bad but am scared of it at the same time. I miss holding hands, kissing, snuggling....human contact. But, that's how God made us. He made us to be social. I just need to find a way to start trusting again and show God that He can trust me with another chance at marriage. Hopefully, when He's through with this pruning/teaching session, I will have gained His trust enough to get my heart's desire. I want who God wants for me. I really do. I married Joey without any input from God. This time I want a partnership arranged, approved and blessed by God. I pray that I don't get so overwhelmed by lonliness that I step in the way of that. I struggle most days with wanting to take matters into my own hands but I manage to beat the urge down...barely. I don't know why this feeling is so intense. I have prayed that it would go away but that prayer has not been answered. I keep hoping that the reason the desire is not going away is because Gods answer is not "no" but, that His answer is "not right now", therefore the desire remains. Only He knows. My very bestest friend asked me one time what my heart's desire was and I told her...to be in love and to be loved. Sappy when you read it, but oh so true. Going through what I have been through has given me a perspective on life that has nothing to do with material things. Money and possessions are merely a tool to be used to help the people in my life that I love. Love is the most important thing. Being there for your family and friends...that's what is really important. And I just want someone that is MINE. Mine to love and care for with all my heart.

Day whatever....

I have such wonderful friends. I have this nasty little habit of thinking just a bit too much on just about any subject you can think of. I try really hard to keep it all contained but on occasion I just can't help it. It overflows into a full-out conversation, that in the middle of I regret even starting, but I have, so I need to finish it. Whew!!! And that is why I say I have wonderful friends. Cause they manage to hang on for the ride through my mind and still call me friend. I can't seem to keep the thoughts at bay. I really try, but they come anyway. I don't know why I think so much...it really is a pain. Part of me would like to be able to just make a decision and once having made it not think about the situation anymore. But that doesn't work with me. One day I will figure out how to do it! I will conquer!